Romeo hearts Juliet
by TheGreatCharlotte
Summary: A Parody of Romeo and Juliet, first chapters a little slow.:D
1. Act I: Scene 1

Disclaimer: Unfortunately…I did not write Romeo & Juliet. Shakespeare, or as some people believe a weird rich guy, wrote this. THIS is a parody OF his work. No harm to you Shakespeare!

**Prologue**

Two families, both pretty damn alike  
they live in Verona  
And have hated each other since the day Adam met Eve

They kill each other…a lot

Although both houses have sexy teenagers,

Two of them fall in love…in 2 days and die  
Basically because of their parents  
Something else I cannot understand  
So listen well because this story begins  
:claps:

Act I

_Scene I: A Public Place, (not a street or a market, but a public place)_

**Sampson:** We will not be laughed at!  
**Gregory:** Nope

**Sampson:** Like...if they try and kill us, We will ATTACK!  
**Gregory:** don't be a hero, you cant fight worth jack

**Sampson: **I can to!  
**Gregory: **No, mate you suck

**Sampson: **True…unless HES A MONTAGUE!

**Gregory: ** That would require movement

**Sampson: **I'd kill any Montague!

**Gregory: **If you could…  
**Sampson: **Dammit your right, BUT I'd make an attempt and woo their maids!  
**Gregory: **Not only are all the maids old… but we hate their masters

**Sampson: **YES! But I will cut their heads off!  
**Gregory: **...  
**Sampson: **After I rape them!  
**Gregory: **The heads of the maids?  
**Sampson:** YES! Their maiden heads. This is up for interpretation ( counts syllables in interpretation)

**Gregory: **right…  
**Sampson: ** It's true! (and randomly) I'm pretty!  
**Gregory: **You're not a fish, but if you were a fish…you'd be a fish AH my Montague senses are tingling!  
**Sampson: **I WILL: drops sword: ha::picks it up: FIGHT!

**Gregory: ** psh, I give you 5 minuetes  
**Sampson: ** Do not fear me!  
**Gregory: **…I'll try not to  
**Sampson: ** Ok! Now for my genius plan::counts syllables in genius: (damn only two) We…not do anything, till…they do

**Gregory: **Brilliant, I'll frown while they pass by, and they can do whatever they want.  
**Sampson: ** AHAH! I will bite my thumb at them!  
**(Enter 2 Montague: Abraham and Balthasar)**

**Abraham: **Did you bite your thumb at me?  
**Sampson: **Yup…  
**Abraham: ** AT ME?  
**Sampson: **... :to Gregory: if I say yes, is the law on our side?  
**Gregory: ** Nope  
**Sampson: **:thanks: No…but I do bite my thumb  
**Gregory: **:slaps head: do you wanna fight?

**Abraham: **Yes…but no  
**Sampson: ** If you do….GREGORY'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS  
**Abraham: **I'm better  
**Sampson: **Psh  
**Gregory: **Defend me!  
**Sampson: **He's so better!  
**Abraham: ** Liar  
**Sampson: **DRAW! Go Gregory! Greg! ORY!

:stab stab stabbity stab:

**(Benvolio runs because he hears swords slashing)**

**Benvolio: **Stop it!  
**(Tybalt comes in)**

**Tybalt: **DIE!  
**Benvolio: ** I don't want to fight really.  
**Tybalt: **….but …but…but…your swords out:cries:  
**Benvolio: **My lord, FINE!  
:stab stab stabbity stab:

**( Basically everyone from both sides of family, cousin, 2nd cousins, Uncle Meg and Aunt Joe, and those scary people that come once a year to your house and bring fruit cake, well all of them fight)**

**Some Random Guy: **KILL BOTH HOUSES

**(Monsieur Capulet et Madame Capulet enter) **

**Monsieur Capulet: **A FIGHT! Give me my sword bitch!  
**Madame Capulet: ** Your so old you need a crutch instead of a sword, WOOOO  
**Monsieur Capulet: **Meanie

**(Senior Montague y Senora Montague enter)**

**Senior Montague:** DIE CAPULET!  
**Senora Montague: ** your so not fighting: cracks whip:

**( A prince and his dudes enter)  
Prince: ** I TOLD YA'LL Not to FIGHT! Capulet! See me now! Montague I wanna see you at lunch! AND WHOEVER FIGHTS AGAIN WILL DIE!  
**(Everyone leaves, because this happens every Thursday and third Monday of every month)  
Senior Montague: ** How did this happen  
**Benvolio: **You really need to know?  
**Senora Montague: **Where is Romeo?  
** Benvolio:** He's avoiding ME::sob:  
**Senior Montague: ** It's true!

**Benvolio: **You know why?  
**Senior Montague: ** ..no  
**Benvolio: ** I'll find out!  
**(Senior and Senora Montague exit! Romeo enters)  
Benvolio: ** Mornin'  
**Romeo: ** It's still morning?  
**Benvolio: **Dude are you stoned? Its nine  
**Romeo: **I'm depressed, my dad is avoiding me, my love doesn't know me, I broke my high heels yesterday, my pet rabbit ran away, and to top it off I found this flower and now I'm having an allergic reaction :cries:  
**Benvolio: ** oh… with who?  
**Romeo: ** I don't know! Ms.Fluffy just..ran off!  
**Benvolio: **no who do you love  
**Romeo: ** Oh. She doesn't know me, don't laugh!  
**Benvolio: **…umm I'd rather cry  
**Romeo: **Why?  
**Benvolio: **Because you are pathetic….ly have a good heart

**Romeo: ** Oh.. I LOVE HER!  
**(runs off) **


	2. Act I: Scene 2

Disclaimer: I again, am not Shakespeare…cuz he's dead…and I'm not…

Act I

_Scene II: A Street…just a random street_

**(Enter Monsieur Capulet, Paris, and a Servant, a COMEDY NIGHT neon sign hangs above them)**

**Monsieur** **Capulet**: Montague and I are so old, we should be Peace keepers! Ba dum dum!

**Servant**::claps:

**Paris**: Quite honestly Monsieur, I'm surprised you lived this long! Ahahaha  
**Servant**: Boo!  
**Paris**: …Well, What you say for me marrying your 13 year old daughter!  
**Servant**: Ba dum dum

**Monsieur** Capulet: ….Dude she isn't even 14 yet…your what…28?  
**Servant**: BURN!  
**Paris**:…But girls YOUNGER than her are already good at fu..being wives…

**Monsieur** **Capulet**: ..Ya? Well I married Madame Capulet when she was young and now look at her, I can't even get her to kiss me at night!  
**Servant**: Bad um dum

**Monsieur** **Capulet**: But, if you love her, and she loves you …then yes. Try and win her heart! By chocolate…mmm EVERYONE loves chocolate…and tulips! So win her heart… IF YOU CAN!  
**Servant**: Ooo Gunna needs some Ala Vera for that burn!

**Paris**: but… but  
**Monsieur Capulet**: Aha! I'm having a party, Servant please invites these people :hands list: And..  
**Servant**: Umm Monsieur?  
**Monsieur Capulet**: Let's get this party... :starts to walk away:

**Servant**: SIR?  
**Monsieur Capulet:** Started! Ah huh, I'm counting on you Servant::runs off to eat:  
**Servant** ::hangs head: I CANT READ::cries:

**(Far off)  
Romeo**: CRYING! A WOMAN! I must go and woo her!  
**Benvolio**::stepping out of shower: What?  
**Romeo**::runs off:  
**Benvolio**: NOT AGAIN::chases him with towel wrapped around.:  
**(Back to Servant)**

**Servant**::cries:  
**(Enter Romeo and Benvolio)  
Benvolio**: Psh, If she burned you, you burn her!

You see, if she hurts you, you hurt her right back!

So hop backwards while turning

And take this stuff for that infection in your eye

Or you'll take rat poison AND DIE

**Romeo**: Couldn't I just take Plantain-leaf? I thought you said that EVERYTHING could be healed by plantain leaf…  
**Benvolio**: Well..  
**Romeo**: and When you were having ahem...problems::points below: I thought you took pla..  
**Benvolio**: THAT WAS ONE TIME!  
**Servant**: Ahem?  
**Romeo**::stares: You're not a girl

**Servant**::looks around wondering why this isn't obvious:

**Romeo**:...Sh continue on  
**Servant**: ahem, Can ya'll read? I'd like to aks you if you sir may readith this paperith

**Romeo**: Yes by my own misery I can read :sob:

**Servant**: …Will you read this::shoves paper into hands:  
**Romeo**: If it isn't French :looks at paper: Damn::reads: Turn over for translation, Hmm :turns paper: and reads "A party! At my house, in 3 hours…so hurry up and remember our one rule, NO MONTAGUES: Uncle Meg, Aunt Joe, Grandpa Fruit Grandma Cake, Rosaline…  
**Servant**: That all?  
**Benvolio**::hears her name and plugs his ears:  
**Romeo**: ROSALINE? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
**Servant**: …  
**Romeo**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
**Benvolio**: He'll stop in a second…  
**Romeo**: AHHHHHHH :burp:…  
**Servant**: Thanks…:takes paper: Hey come and get wasted!..

**Romeo**: Where…  
**Servant**: My house!  
**Benvolio**: Yours?  
**Servant**: Well.. my masters…  
**Romeo:** I see  
**Servant:** STOP LOOKING AT ME::Runs away:

**Benvolio:** Dude Rosaline is going  
**Romeo:** No shit Sherlock, bad um dum  
**Benvolio:** ..I don't get it  
**Romeo:** points to Comedy sign  
**Benvolio:** AH…ok well forget about her! I'll show you girls that are just as…Pretty as her! I'll make you think an orange a grape!

**Romeo:** Which ones better..  
**Benvolio:** the orange…Ba dum dum!  
**Romeo:** Dude..stop  
**(they leave and the Comedy Night sign blinks out)**


End file.
